Let's Get Real

I'm a pretender. I have tried to pretend things are alright when they are not. And I'm at the point where I've been confronted about the life that I dream of and the life I lead now. They are not the same. Because of this I've tried to settle into a routine, the mundane to dull out the ache within. But it doesn't do anything but have me sitting here like this. I'm tired of beating myself up and out of situations and circumstances. Not this time. I'm searching for You and You've been here the entire time, waiting for me to see. I've been willingly blind and unconsciously blind to some things. It's time for me to reposition myself. Period. Nothing more but this time as I've said before but finally mean now, I'm not doing this alone. This may sound like rambling and random but I think I just need to put this out here and just let it be. Compassion, grace and hard work. Those are the things that will help in this and I'm not looking back at the past. The old way hasn't worked so I'm done going there. I'm going to move forward.

Got to play catchup

And going into what has happened would be much too long. Just know that I'm going to be back and writing this because I need and outlet to share what has been on my mind and heart. So much and I don't even know where to start. But compassion and grace are two key words especially for myself. I don't give myself enough of that and I have started. Now just to keep going.

It's Been A While

So much has happened between the last time I posted and now so I'll update you! First I celebrated my 27th birthday back in February and that date has marked this shifting in my heart and mind about myself. You see for what has seemed like all my life, and it has been, I've struggled with low self esteem. Even with people telling me how nice and kind I am, I just never believe it. But something changed on my birthday. I accepted it. I accepted and received the words that have been spoken over me. I made a choice in the matter, that instead of pushing away the positive and consistently and constantly bringing the negative to the forefront, I'm not going to do it anymore.

I think what has dawned on me is how much I am loved. This is cementing me in ways that even I don't understand and that's alright. I thought on this quest to find me and lose weight in the process that I wouldn't have these encounters. I thought that I was beyond all of that but it's not true. I'm different and that's alright. And the things that I am striving to do and be have been there, it's just been covered underneath layers of self-protection and hurt and pain. Me being healthy just doesn't encompass me losing weight and gaining muscle. Me being healthy is being able to look in the mirror and love the person I see. No matter what size, color, height or anything else she is.

Choices. It boils down to that. Especially for me. I'm realizing that I've made bad choices that have resulted in things being the way they are now in certain areas of my life. A lot was out of my control. But some were not. I'm not going to stare at the ice cream section and ask "Good choice? Bad choice?" all the time. Well in the case, it's always going to be bad choice because I don't like ice cream anymore, but I digress. I will deal with it as it comes but I'm tired and done with worrying about it. I'm moving forward, so forward I go.

Another thing that has really put things in perspective for me is how I am blessed to have access to healthy options. When I was on vacation, I was able to make some healthy choices and also indulge with no guilt. There really is a time and place for everything. And even at home I can make healthy choices, so I don't really have an excuse not to. Not anymore.

Vacation. I went back to Hawaii, Honolulu to be exact to visit my dear sweet sister, Asia. I had too much fun being able to connect with her and her parents that came in for the visit before she goes off to South Korea. I am crazy proud of her and excited for her too! She's such an amazing person and one day I know she will be able to see it too! So shopping, eating all kinds of Asian foods were on the list of things that I did. Resting too. Man, one night I was so exhausted and not feeling well I just slept the entire night away. That was really what I needed. I've returned after a week there rested and refreshed. It was so nice and plan to go back. Heck I might even put in for living or something. lol

Still Working on this whole Communication thing

As whoever reads this can tell. I am so bad sometimes when it comes to updating and so much has happened between the last time I did and now. I turned twenty-seven, found out I'm graduating in December, and am awaiting the arrival of my brother to visit. There is so much more too and I'm trying to formulate the words to be honest. :) I'm just going to keep moving, just keep moving!!

Bad Butterfly!!

Yeah it's totally along those lines. I am going to admit something and then run....I have been unconsciously self-sabotaging myself. O.O Oh how does one do that, does one ask? Hm let's see by saying yes to everything and no to saying no. You know I'm not going to feel crazy guilty about it but it has made me assess why I'm trying to lose weight. For health reasons but you know what? To be honest I'd like to take a picture that I like. Now don't get me wrong my self-esteem has been boosted ALOT in the past year so this would really be icing on my own...Well healthy thoughts, granola on the Greek yogurt.

Been working through some deep stuff as of late which has only made me insanely angry. My head hurts by my anger and I'm working through forgiveness in a way that I thought was for other people. It's going to be good and I'm going to be healed and much better for it but as the roots go deeper and the flower begins its process to bloom, the pain is there. Now if only my head could stop hurting...

You know it's going to be okay

And for some odd reason I know that it is. I've been looking at this whole exercise thing wrong for the last few weeks because I've been in a panic about gaining weight back. It seems whenever I am close to achieving a major goal that I kind of feel I can celebrate by going back to my old way of thinking. Mindsets are definitely a hard thing to break free from, especially if they have been unhealthy patterns. I really want to sit here and type this admitting that I'm not perfect but for the first time in weeks its alright for me to be sitting here getting back in the game and willingly admitting that I fell out of it. Small compromises are huge in the long run because they effect your game plan and the goals that you would want to achieve. For me it's been eating. Now activity is huge on my list but eating has connected to me in a way that is so unhealthy. I used it to solve my problems, sooth and relax me, food has been a drug to me. It's serious because over the past few years this is when the issue has become most evident.

I'm embarking on this new journey of self-discovery and really becoming honest with me. And you know for the first time in years making it about me. I know my path and my decisions aren't for everyone and that's okay. I love you no less but when it comes to me being healthy there will be no 'I'll do it tomorrow'. I started today. This journey about me and for me is going to be amazing and I'm finally showing up to my life. It's about time.

Been forever!

And this is why I'm not really the blog person. Lol. I have a lot on my mind and instead of writing it out I'm just holding onto it and then forgetting it a few days later. Oh well. Finally getting back into the workout mix which has been wonderful. Intervals again. I'm also getting serious about letting some behavior patterns in the form of my finances and mindsets to be changed. So far so good. o.o I'm totally surprised but the one thing I can say is that even though I haven't been motivated to do a lot of things, changing my perspective and my mindsets are still at the top. And it's been working. I'm not alone in any of this and I can move forward without the junk bogging me down anymore!