Let's Get Real

I'm a pretender. I have tried to pretend things are alright when they are not. And I'm at the point where I've been confronted about the life that I dream of and the life I lead now. They are not the same. Because of this I've tried to settle into a routine, the mundane to dull out the ache within. But it doesn't do anything but have me sitting here like this. I'm tired of beating myself up and out of situations and circumstances. Not this time. I'm searching for You and You've been here the entire time, waiting for me to see. I've been willingly blind and unconsciously blind to some things. It's time for me to reposition myself. Period. Nothing more but this time as I've said before but finally mean now, I'm not doing this alone. This may sound like rambling and random but I think I just need to put this out here and just let it be. Compassion, grace and hard work. Those are the things that will help in this and I'm not looking back at the past. The old way hasn't worked so I'm done going there. I'm going to move forward.

Got to play catchup

And going into what has happened would be much too long. Just know that I'm going to be back and writing this because I need and outlet to share what has been on my mind and heart. So much and I don't even know where to start. But compassion and grace are two key words especially for myself. I don't give myself enough of that and I have started. Now just to keep going.

It's Been A While

So much has happened between the last time I posted and now so I'll update you! First I celebrated my 27th birthday back in February and that date has marked this shifting in my heart and mind about myself. You see for what has seemed like all my life, and it has been, I've struggled with low self esteem. Even with people telling me how nice and kind I am, I just never believe it. But something changed on my birthday. I accepted it. I accepted and received the words that have been spoken over me. I made a choice in the matter, that instead of pushing away the positive and consistently and constantly bringing the negative to the forefront, I'm not going to do it anymore.

I think what has dawned on me is how much I am loved. This is cementing me in ways that even I don't understand and that's alright. I thought on this quest to find me and lose weight in the process that I wouldn't have these encounters. I thought that I was beyond all of that but it's not true. I'm different and that's alright. And the things that I am striving to do and be have been there, it's just been covered underneath layers of self-protection and hurt and pain. Me being healthy just doesn't encompass me losing weight and gaining muscle. Me being healthy is being able to look in the mirror and love the person I see. No matter what size, color, height or anything else she is.

Choices. It boils down to that. Especially for me. I'm realizing that I've made bad choices that have resulted in things being the way they are now in certain areas of my life. A lot was out of my control. But some were not. I'm not going to stare at the ice cream section and ask "Good choice? Bad choice?" all the time. Well in the case, it's always going to be bad choice because I don't like ice cream anymore, but I digress. I will deal with it as it comes but I'm tired and done with worrying about it. I'm moving forward, so forward I go.

Another thing that has really put things in perspective for me is how I am blessed to have access to healthy options. When I was on vacation, I was able to make some healthy choices and also indulge with no guilt. There really is a time and place for everything. And even at home I can make healthy choices, so I don't really have an excuse not to. Not anymore.

Vacation. I went back to Hawaii, Honolulu to be exact to visit my dear sweet sister, Asia. I had too much fun being able to connect with her and her parents that came in for the visit before she goes off to South Korea. I am crazy proud of her and excited for her too! She's such an amazing person and one day I know she will be able to see it too! So shopping, eating all kinds of Asian foods were on the list of things that I did. Resting too. Man, one night I was so exhausted and not feeling well I just slept the entire night away. That was really what I needed. I've returned after a week there rested and refreshed. It was so nice and plan to go back. Heck I might even put in for living or something. lol

Still Working on this whole Communication thing

As whoever reads this can tell. I am so bad sometimes when it comes to updating and so much has happened between the last time I did and now. I turned twenty-seven, found out I'm graduating in December, and am awaiting the arrival of my brother to visit. There is so much more too and I'm trying to formulate the words to be honest. :) I'm just going to keep moving, just keep moving!!

Bad Butterfly!!

Yeah it's totally along those lines. I am going to admit something and then run....I have been unconsciously self-sabotaging myself. O.O Oh how does one do that, does one ask? Hm let's see by saying yes to everything and no to saying no. You know I'm not going to feel crazy guilty about it but it has made me assess why I'm trying to lose weight. For health reasons but you know what? To be honest I'd like to take a picture that I like. Now don't get me wrong my self-esteem has been boosted ALOT in the past year so this would really be icing on my own...Well healthy thoughts, granola on the Greek yogurt.

Been working through some deep stuff as of late which has only made me insanely angry. My head hurts by my anger and I'm working through forgiveness in a way that I thought was for other people. It's going to be good and I'm going to be healed and much better for it but as the roots go deeper and the flower begins its process to bloom, the pain is there. Now if only my head could stop hurting...

You know it's going to be okay

And for some odd reason I know that it is. I've been looking at this whole exercise thing wrong for the last few weeks because I've been in a panic about gaining weight back. It seems whenever I am close to achieving a major goal that I kind of feel I can celebrate by going back to my old way of thinking. Mindsets are definitely a hard thing to break free from, especially if they have been unhealthy patterns. I really want to sit here and type this admitting that I'm not perfect but for the first time in weeks its alright for me to be sitting here getting back in the game and willingly admitting that I fell out of it. Small compromises are huge in the long run because they effect your game plan and the goals that you would want to achieve. For me it's been eating. Now activity is huge on my list but eating has connected to me in a way that is so unhealthy. I used it to solve my problems, sooth and relax me, food has been a drug to me. It's serious because over the past few years this is when the issue has become most evident.

I'm embarking on this new journey of self-discovery and really becoming honest with me. And you know for the first time in years making it about me. I know my path and my decisions aren't for everyone and that's okay. I love you no less but when it comes to me being healthy there will be no 'I'll do it tomorrow'. I started today. This journey about me and for me is going to be amazing and I'm finally showing up to my life. It's about time.

Been forever!

And this is why I'm not really the blog person. Lol. I have a lot on my mind and instead of writing it out I'm just holding onto it and then forgetting it a few days later. Oh well. Finally getting back into the workout mix which has been wonderful. Intervals again. I'm also getting serious about letting some behavior patterns in the form of my finances and mindsets to be changed. So far so good. o.o I'm totally surprised but the one thing I can say is that even though I haven't been motivated to do a lot of things, changing my perspective and my mindsets are still at the top. And it's been working. I'm not alone in any of this and I can move forward without the junk bogging me down anymore!

New Week

Of not working out. X.x I know that I am the only person that can motivate me to go to the gym and it just hasn't been happening. I know I just need to go and I will...Next week. Food wise things have been tight, money and food but I'm still managing to eat healthy. Now if only I can find some snacks to put in between those meals and I'll be fine. Lol. This is going to be a short post tonight since I want to get some rest. I'm so blessed to have people that love me and a God that does too. I'm so blessed that I am on this journey to love me and that it's going better than expected. When did that happen?

Thoughts and mutterings..And saying no.

I don't even know where to begin but this weekend has been alright so far. Rest is I guess what was on the menu because I slept most of the day away. Next month I'll be 27 and it's three years from 30 and I can't even explain why I'm so excited about this number. Or just in general. Something definitely is happening to me. I didn't know I'd be this excited about rediscovering myself...But I am and it's awesome. I know it seems I am repeating myself and in a way I am. It's for my sanity's sake and one day I'll believe it all the words that I tell myself that I am. Please...Give me five words that describe me. I have to think about it. lol Moving on.

I never thought that I would have the opportunity to travel as I have in the past and present. I find that it really is in my blood and I want to see this world and this country. I wish everyone was able to do that at least once in their lives. Or at least want to travel. I think I'm alright with settling somewhere and that being my main point as I explore other areas of the world. I want to go to Ireland, Prague, South Korea, Japan, so many other places. I think in keeping with that I have gotten so much more serious about saying no. This has been a word that I can say here and there but rescind randomly and to my own detriment. For me to get further in my life I have to say no things. No to staying up late, no to spending without a plan, no to eating junk, no to not working out and ultimately no to me saying and allowing negativity around me. It's just not healthy and I don't need it anymore. No surprisingly is going to get me further than any yes ever would and it's alright. So *ahem* No, no, no, no, and no..

Whew..

What a day. So don't really try going almost six hours without food. X.x Not a good look for anyone. I totally didn't plan like I should have and I'm so bloody against fast food now that I refused to stop. That's good to a point but hungry, so very hungry for most of the evening. It's been a weird day, that has ended on a sweet, calming note. Spiritually, God has been working on my heart in the midst of my weight loss and has been uncovering things that I thought I'd dealt with. I'm realizing that I have certain fears because of my past and that those fears hinder me more than protect. I've got to let it go and am working on it but becoming that person is hard. So very hard. x.x But it has dawned on me...I don't have think I'm going to wake up one morning and be okay. And I don't have to work so HARD at it. I just need to keep moving in the right direction and going from there. It's made me feel better, well a lot better. Still stuck financially but I'm going to work on it knowing that I'm not alone in this. Not all and never again.

Tron, Sweet Potatoes, and Reawakenings

So yes to begin first I would like to say that I loved the original Tron even before there was a hint of the Tron Legacy. But when I found out that the movie was around and coming out, man I was pumped! It's beautiful and Daft Punk's work is breathtaking. I called it shiny awesome to one of my friends and it is. Go see it with no expectations. Going into a movie like that or any movie rather with some sort of expectations only sets one up for failure and dislike.

On the healthier side of things, I am so much more focused on getting to the rest of my goal. But I've had to come to terms with the fact that food was such an outlet for most if not all of my stressors. Because of this, my relationship with food and everything that surrounds it has become skewed. Over the past year it has only gotten better and I'm realizing that I need to let things go and deal with stress with other options. Writing, creating art, even cooking healthy meals has become a way of doing this. Reconnecting and actually connecting with friends that I chose to close off from for a long time have only helped. Sweet potatoes are apart of this, surprisingly as it is something that I have begun to CRAVE and want like no one's business. Lol Oh well, cupcake craving or sweet potatoes? I'll take the latter thank you.

As I'm on this journey of reshaping my body it has only dawned on my how much it has been reshaping my entire existence and the things that I have suppressed within me. The things in my life that I tried to deny, i.e. my love of traveling, giving, and actually wanting to connect are finally being allowed to shine. So much had held me back but I'm realizing that the words where there is fear there is no faith are so true. I'm being reawakened to beauty and that I have it. That I actually can be beautiful in my eyes. I'm being reawakened to the fact that I am a passionate person and that isn't a bad thing. I could go on with the things I'm discovering about myself. I like discipline more than I ever thought. I truly do care about my appearance and yes, out of all of this, suddenly it has dawned on me that I can be a priority and it not be selfish. I never thought all of this would be connected but the confidence that I'm beginning to rediscover but in a fresh and new way, is permanent. And real. I'm beginning to see glimpses of the real me and I have to admit I'm excited to me her. Hello my name is Trina. ^_^

Update

Hello and welcome to 2011!! I'm pretty excited about this year and how it's going to go. I'm not sure what's all in store, but I'm definitely trusting God for a wonderful, breathless year of awesome!

An update on the weight. So far I have lost 45pds!! This brings me to my halfway mark and to say I'm excited is an understatement. I'm honestly to excited to really speak but I know I'm just going to keep going. Slow and steady is definitely winning the race. MY bad for counting you out. Lol

Welp, I'm going to go get something yummy to eat (sweet potato and chicken anyone?) I'll be around! ^_^

trying to stay focused

And it's working! I have lost ten pounds since I have begun to eat clean and exercise. I'm pretty excited about what I'm seeing here. There are places where I feel muscle where there was fat and I can fit into a pair of jeans that I couldn't even button. I have decided that I am still not going to focus on the scale and just continue staying healthy. Unfortunately I can tell I'm the type of person that will lament over what I see on there. So I need to stay away from it. I've joined Fitness 19, I'll post the link below and have been staggering going there and to the Y in town. My membership there will expire next month but honestly I have been outside. It's been so beautiful that I've walked around the park more than I've been inside. I am making a point to get active and I just want this to continue. Even though I say this time and time again, I just feel like something clicked and I am more focused than I ever have been. I can't wait to see what I look like at the end of the month!

Veerrry Interesting

It's been a good week and for the first time I can say I've gone a full week without buying fast food and I plan to keep it that way. This whole different eating and thinking and working out thing has been different but I also feel in some ways I kind of fell into it. Because honestly its everything that I have wanted to do but honestly? Just didn't for whatever excuse. I feel like it can stick and that excites me and scares me. I have so much support now its coming out of my ears. All I can say is "Just keep going"

Oh right...

So today I have been sooo grouchy. x.x But I know what it is, first and foremost I am working on my last class of the quarter and finishing that up is stressful. To a point. I also want to sleep more than anything else, which doesn't help matters. BUT I'm almost done and that's cool. I went for a walk which pretty much wiped out the grouchy and made me smile. I love this time of year and seeing the ducks and sunsets. It's so pretty out here in Kentucky. A lot more than I thought it would be. Moving forward and staying focused!

Still moving forward tho'

So I didn't go to the gym today but man I was so wiped that honestly if I tried I know that I know I would have passed out. But I did make some leeway into recipes for clean eating and low fat cooking. I've decided that it really is time to let go of the processed foods but man oh man with that on the corner honestly it makes me mad now...And craving for it. Not so much after beginning to question why something so simple as a cheeseburger has so many calories..Oh wait, it's because there are so many chemicals in it to preserve it from SHIPPING to the restaurant where it is 'cooked'. Uhm, no thanks. I can make my own...And cupcakes? I think I can officially make my own. lol But that's the thing, looking through all of these books makes me want to cook from scratch. It's cheaper and it's so much better for me. So we shall see but let me tell you how excited I am about it. VERY. ^_^

Good morning!

I'm sitting here eating my oatmeal with cranberries in the first part of getting ready for church. I plan on heading over to Quest after a long time of more or less running. We'll see honestly...I have had to admit after everything that went down at my old church fear of commitment to anything like that just gives me the willies. But I know its apart of my relationship with God and I feel rather dry and moldy in that area. So we shall see but I'll be praying that I can put my fear aside to really step forward and into this.

http://www.questcommunity.com/

Also I am completely inspired even more to lose weight. Instead of one website which was telling me that I had to but didn't even give any advice on how until after the fact, this blog is completely the opposite. Recipes, exercises and an awesome testimony of how changing one's mindset, which is one of my main issues and then just doing it, can change your life. I'm even more excited now and have abolished the word cheat from my vocab. So onward we go!!

http://blackgirlsguidetoweightloss.com/

...I am so bad at this blog thing.

But I think it's time that I change that just a bit. Especially with what I have embarked on. A quest to lose weight. Yes, the neverending quest to do what just seems impossible. But it truly isn't and for the first time, I have my brain on board too. Usually I would be ready body wise, and everything else wouldn't be there. Now I have the mentality to do it, which actually makes me hesitant and freaked out. I never have been apprehensive before but I've also never been this hopeful. I actually know that this time is different. So we shall see.

a lot

There has been much happening within the last few weeks. I've began to take lesson in bass guitar, something that I didn't think that I would ever have the courage to do, but love. I'm excited to practice my bass and hope that I can do very well with it.

My heart is changing too. In ways that are awesome, scary, and just full of hope. I know that from now on things are shifting and changing into what He wants, but at this point I don't know what that is. Lol Its fun to be on the journey to find out. i don't have deep things to say or do crazy things for attention. I just want to be me, and live. But why does that seem the most challenging?

Dates...

Its funny how certain days that at one time had no meaning suddenly hold so many things. The promise of the future, of love and faith. Wide-eyed things that should have been the warning signs, but with the rose colored shades on. and then the promise fades and what were once good intentions are now tears and thoughts of what it could have been. July 10. An anniversary of the past. For me there was so much that was in that day. So much that was so special. I loved the family, the friends, and my husband. Now ex…To think that forever I will remember that day for what it could have been, hurts. The healing has begun, and it has been wonderful. He has been with me every step of the way, but now I’m realizing that the future still holds promise.

I can still love again. I have learned through the lows that I can still love through it. Love has taken on another meaning for me. It’s deeper, more spiritual, and it holds so many other things instead of those overused words for other things. Love does hurt, there is pain there, but it still has the power to make you soar. There can be tears of joy and of peace with love. Even tears of remorse and regret. Love is so much more powerful than I ever thought. To know there are so many that truly love me it’s breathtaking, and provides such a salve to the wound that will inevitably scar. I know it will always remain, but I can carry it encased in a seal of love…